Why Won’t They Listen?

It was just last week that Mayor Steve Connelly said Berea needs to cultivate alternative sources of revenue. That may be true enough, but I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I’ve offered a few ideas of my own for economic development. But does the city heed these kernels of wisdom? No.

For example, I proposed a cigarette tax to help pad the city’s revenues. It wouldn’t tax all smokers, mind you, just the dense ones.

I came up with the idea a couple of years ago when a local tobacco shop was handing out red, white and blue bumper stickers that declared, “I smoke and I vote!”

That don’t-tread-on-me message was a warning to our faithful lawmakers: mess with the tobacco farmers or consumers and you are messing with a very powerful, if very jittery constituency.

At least one smoker took the bumper sticker literally, showing up at a local tobacco shop on Election Day, asking where she could cast her ballot. Presumably she thought the bumper sticker meant the tobacco shop was a one-stop operation where she could smoke and vote simultaneously. Which brings up my idea: why not impose a poll tax on those who try to vote at tobacco shops?

Mind you, I like smokers. Most of them, despite their reckless habit, are pretty sharp, but that doesn’t mean we can’t tax the ones who are a few packs short of a full carton.

Another of my ideas blithely disregarded by the city involves capitalizing on the state’s preoccupation with the budget shortfall, Kentucky basketball and the prospect of war.

When the state and country are so conveniently distracted, why not have Berea raise a small, armed force to invade, say, Jackson County? I’m not saying Jackson County people would be pushovers. They’re actually pretty tough folks, but with a relatively large fighting force, Berea could successfully occupy Jackson for maybe four months before anyone would really take notice. By that time, the Commonwealth of Kentucky would be so broke that Governor Paul Patton would probably just let Berea keep the disputed territories because it would be cheaper than ousting our forces.

Sure, it’s an admittedly unconventional idea but in these tough economic times, we need to think outside of the box, people.

Finally, I don’t think our fair city should be blind to the cash cow that has been a boon for so many state governments: gaming.

That’s precisely why I proposed the legalization of betting at Berea Little League games and middle school athletic events.

When you think about it, this idea could be a real self-esteem booster for our young athletes. Instead of playing in front of 40 or so parents, the seven-year-olds of the Quickie Mart Indians could take the field before a crowd of 10,000 gamblers from all over central Kentucky.

Will there be a downside? Sure. It could alter our youth’s sense of proportion. Once an eight-year-old is raking in $100,000 a year as a middle reliever for a sandlot ball club, a postgame corn dog and root beer float at Dairy Queen is going to seem a bit blasé. But with profit and progress, there must always be sacrifices.

I’m just doing what I can for the city, folks, so please, take these ideas and embrace them as your own. And there’s no need to thank me. Really.

by Andy McDonald